


Attempt the rare and highly dangerous 3X DATE COMBO

by Neigedens



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Double Dating, F/F, F/M, Horrible crack pairings, M/M, Triple Dating, pesterfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 14:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neigedens/pseuds/Neigedens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are going to be attempting the rare 2X MATESPRIT JAUNT COMBO with Latula, the only person you can think of who leaves Terezi at a consistent loss for words, and Latula's matesprit, who, last time you met, called you a "8UL8G3 WH11F1NG 24CK MUNCH3R." He's like Karkat on a bad day (ie, every day) and half the time you can't even understand him. You don't know what you were thinking, agreeing to this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attempt the rare and highly dangerous 3X DATE COMBO

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sfingella (thesewordselope)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=sfingella+%28thesewordselope%29).



DAVE: whoa what the fuck are you doing here  
DIRK: That's not important.  
DAVE: are you sleeping again how'd you even get in here.  
DIRK: Heard that you were going on a date. A...double date.  
DAVE: how the fuck did you hear that  
DIRK: These bubbles are strange places. They're semi-permeable, always intersecting. Information travels through them like a fucking sieve, bro.  
DAVE: what a great non-answer  
DAVE: yeah you heard right gonna go out with the in-laws  
DAVE: or something idefk

In fact you are somewhat nervous at the prospect before you. You are going to be attempting the rare 2X MATESPRIT JAUNT COMBO with Latula, the only person you can think of who leaves Terezi at a consistent loss for words, and Latula's matesprit, who, last time you met, called you a "8UL8G3 WH11F1NG 54CK MUNCH3R." He's like Karkat on a bad day (ie, every day) and half the time you can't even understand him. You don't know what you were thinking, agreeing to this.

DIRK: I'd like to come with you.  
DAVE: sounds fun how about no  
DIRK: Come on.  
DAVE: i can think of so many reasons why that is not only completely unacceptable but also physically and maybe temporally impossible??  
DAVE: seriously how the fuck did you even get on the asteroid  
DAVE: did rose let you in  
DAVE: is2fg if rose let you in  
DIRK: She didn't, but consider this: if whatever safeguards you've put in place to keep nosy ghosts and dreamers off your meteor didn't work on me, there's probably nothing that could keep me from crashing your date tonight.  
DAVE: what tonight there is no tonight  
DAVE: theres only some vague fathomless future where i like  
DAVE: go to a fucking ghost restaurant to eat some awkward ghost food with tz and some awkward ghosts  
DAVE: also if youre just planning to crash that shit anyway why did you bother asking  
DIRK: I'm going to be bringing somebody with me, if that's your worry.  
DAVE: awesome a triple date with minibro and grandpa jadejohn harleybert im so fucking pumped  
DIRK: I'm not sure who you're trying to refer to there, but in any case I think you're in error.  
DAVE: no man go ahead bring young whippersnapper grandpa harley itll be a blast maybe hell haul off and punch me this time  
DIRK: We could only hope.  
DAVE: seriously youre my fucking brother i dont want you tagging along on a date with me  
DIRK: But you don't mind that your troll friend is meeting up with her ancestor.  
DAVE: well thats different isnt it shes a troll  
DAVE: humans got this bizarre anathema against incest maybe youve heard of it??  
DIRK: I'm not taking you on a date, dumbass. I'm bringing someone else, and no, it's not Jake.  
DAVE: really  
DAVE: what happened there  
DIRK: ?  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: fine  
DAVE: i dont fucking care anymore go ahead  
DIRK: Excellent. I'll see you tonight, or whenever, relativistically speaking, tonight will occur in your frame of reference.  
DAVE: ugh

==>

MITUNA: Y0UR3 4 FUCK1NG N00K WH1FFT1NG FUCKW45D 5TR1D3R  
DAVE: man why you gotta hate  
DAVE: i got you a milkshake  
MITUNA: FUHTCK M1LK5H4K35  
DAVE: look you can say what you want about me but do not disparage my fucking milkshake  
MITUNA: 1M 5ORRY  
DAVE: its cool  
DAVE: just think about what youre saying next time dog  
MITUNA: FUCK UY0  
DAVE: what the fuck even is this place anyway  
DAVE: is it like  
DAVE: some sort of retro ghost diner  
DAVE: like with milkshakes and chrome-plated fixtures and jukeboxes and like  
DAVE: saddle shoes  
DAVE: hey mituna you wanna dance the mashed potato with me  
DAVE: oh wait no you dont cause youre probably an even worse dancer than i am  
MITUNA: T3H W0RD7H5 YU0 4R3 7H54Y1N9 D0NT M4K3 4NY 53N7H35  
DAVE: hey back atcha bud  
DAVE: seriously tho where is this place and whose memory is it from  
DAVE: cause its not mine and this dont look like any bit of alternia ive ever seen so i doubt its terezis  
DAVE: its like some weird sort of 50s americana throwback bullshit  
DAVE: was that whole schtick big on beforus  
MITUNA: N0 17H5 4 F4NT4SY L0C4T10N DR34M3D UP BY S0ME M0NDO T00L  
MITUNA: 7RY1N 70 R3C0N5TRUC7 4 W0RLD 3H N33VR 4CTU4LLY KN3W  
MITUNA: W4H7 4 L0000000000SER  
DAVE: wait what  
MITUNA: H3 PR373ND5 H35 ON3 OF YOU H04NL3SS N007KSUCK3R D0U7H84G5 C4U53 H3 TH1N75 7H47 W1LL M4K3 H1M 1N73R3571N9 70 O773R 7ROLL5 8U7 17 D305N7  
DAVE: otter trolls  
DAVE: what  
MITUNA: 4ND 7H3 0NLY CHUMP W0H 81T35 15 7H0M3 D35P3R4T3 HUM4N G4M3 8RO W1TH 4 H4TE WH3R3 H15 5H1RT 5HOULD 83  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ngl i didnt understand most of that  
DAVE: do you really not like your milkshake  
DAVE: can i have it  
MITUNA: FUCK 0FF 4ND D13 STR1D3R

Your double date is going about as well as expected. Mituna seems somewhat more lucid than usual while telling you to fuck off, at least. And at least Terezi...no, Terezi looks pretty miserable, actually.

LATULA: gurl, 1 4m so gl4d th4t w3 could do th1s! 1ts b33n for3v3r s1nce m3 4nd mt went on 4 non-sk4t1ng d4t3!!!  
LATULA: 4nd to b3 compl3t3ly hon3st th4t m1ght b3 b3tter 4ll 4round? 1 m34n not th4t ch1ll1ng w1th you guys 1snt SUP3R H4RDCOR3!!! 1ts just 4 l1ttl3 mor3 low-k3y th4n wh4t w3 usu4lly do.  
TEREZI: MMMMMM >:\  
LATULA: wh1ch 1s 4W3SOM3 b33 t33 dubs!!! h4h4 wow sorry 1 4m t4lk1ng w444444y too much. 1 4lw4ys do th4t wh3n m33t1ng n3w p3opl3.  
LATULA: so 4nyw4y, wh4t do you 4nd d4v3 l1k3 to do?  
TEREZI: UH W3LL  
TEREZI: NOT MUCH? TH3R3S NOT 4 LOT TO DO ON TH3 M3T3OR  
TEREZI: MOSTLY W3 JUST K1ND OF TOOL 4ROUND 4ND W4TCH MOV13S 4ND STUFF  
LATULA: oh! th4ts...n1c3?  
MITUNA: 4H4H4H4H L057H3R5  
LATULA: shh!!!  
TEREZI: SOM3T1M3S W3 GO 1NTO TH3 DR34M BUBBL3S 4ND TRY TO 4VO1D SN34K 4TT4CKS FROM MY D34D FR13NDS >:/  
DAVE: wow tz way to make us sound like the cryptkeeper lifes of the party  
DAVE: no offense to any dead people present  
LATULA: 4h4h4h4! >8]  
DAVE: what about can town tz tell em about can town  
TEREZI: SHH!!  
MITUNA: W4H475 C4N7 OWN

Since Terezi is being uncharacteristically silent and completely unhelpful, you take it upon yourself to explain. You tell Terezi's ancestor and her matesprit about Can Town. You describe to them all the painstaking effort you have put into the place, the way the fluorescent light glimmers off the metal carapaces of the nutrition cylinders, the way the dust settles and collects all too often, and how the three of you had to work so hard to clear the clown menace out of the vent shafts to make the boroughs safe for all citizens of that glorious metropolis. You tell them all of this, at great length, and by the time you're finished Terezi looks even more miserable.

LATULA: oh my god th4t 1s 4DOR4BL3!!!  
TEREZI: >:[  
LATULA: 1ts l1k3 wh3n wr1ggl3rs m4k3 forts out of slumb3r lo4v3s 4nd snuggl3pl4n3s  
DAVE: well idk about that  
TEREZI: UGH  
LATULA: 1snt 1t 4dor4bl3 mt?  
MITUNA: NO 1T5 L4M3 4S 5H11111111117  
LATULA: bro, you w1ll m1nd your r4d 4s fuck tongu3 or so H3LP m3 >8P  
MITUNA: 4H4H4H4H4H4 CU7 1T OU7  
TEREZI: (ugh god th1s 1s unb34r4bl3)  
DAVE: (holy shit you can whisper)  
TEREZI: (look 4t th3m th3y 4r3 obv1ously h4ppy 3nough by th3ms3lv3s)  
DAVE: (wtf am i even hearing i had no idea you could whisper)  
DAVE: (who the fuck are you)  
TEREZI: (l3ts just l34ve)  
DAVE: (what are you jealous)  
DAVE: (do you want me to start tickling you through your radsuit)  
TEREZI: (do not t1ckl3 m3!!! l3ts g3t out of h3r3 >:[)  
DAVE: (aw come on)  
DAVE: (everyones having a good time except you)  
TEREZI: (your3 h4v1ng 4 good t1m3???)  
DAVE: (sure)  
TEREZI: (th3 whol3 t1m3 youv3 b33n s1tt1ng h3r3 g3tt1ng 4bus3d by solluxs 4nc3stor 4nd pout1ng! plus d1dnt you w4nt to g3t out of h3r3 b3for3 your bro shows up?)  
DAVE: (that is definitely a thing that i want)  
DAVE: (but i doubt hes even going to show his dumb face he was probably just messing with me)  
DAVE: (he tends to do that)  
DAVE: (plus mitunas not so bad)  
DAVE: (i mean ive been living with KARKAT for years i think i can take a little unwarranted invective from a shouty alien)  
TEREZI: (shh!!! th3yll h34r you)  
TEREZI: (1 b3t h3r h34r1ng 1s 3xtr4 sh4rp to comp3ns4t3 for h3r oth3r lost s3ns3s)  
DAVE: (lost senses)  
DAVE: (you mean)  
DAVE: (her sense of smell)  
DAVE: (that makes no fucking sense)  
TEREZI: (god sh3 1s so cool >:[)  
DAVE: (she is pretty rad)  
DAVE: (like a hot babysitter)  
DAVE: (a hot babysitter who lets you stay up late and eat as many hot pockets as you want and not do your homework)  
DAVE: (and then she brings over her weird boyfriend and they get into a fake fight and start tickling each other and its sorta uncomfortable to watch but you kinda just sit there with your milkshake and youre like)  
DAVE: (aw)  
DAVE: (thats kinda sweet)  
TEREZI: (>:[)  
TEREZI: (th3 words com1ng out of your mouth m4k3 no 4mounts of s3ns3)  
LATULA: h3y, wh4t 4r3 you guys wh1sp3r1ng 4bout?  
TEREZI: W3 W3R3 JUST TH1NK1NG TH4T M4YB3 W3 SHOULD G3T GO1NG?  
MITUNA: L44444444M3  
LATULA: 4w but our food h4snt 3v3n com3 y3t >8[  
DAVE: how does that even work  
DAVE: i mean this isnt a real restaurant its a fake restaurant does our food just like  
DAVE: appear  
DAVE: how does dream ghost food work  
TEREZI: >:?  
LATULA: >8?  
MITUNA: 455H0L3 C4NDY M491C  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: well alright then  
DAVE: guess ill buy that  
MITUNA: TH3 54M3 455H0L3 C4NDY M4G1C TH4T WI7H3D TH1S 3NT1R3 R3574UR4N7 1N70 3X1573NC3 1N TH3 F1R5T PL47H3  
MITUNA: M057LY DU3 T0 TH4T F17H A557H0L3  
DAVE: what fitsh asthhole  
DAVE: i mean fish asshole  
MITUNA: TH4T F15H 455H0L3 R1GH7 7H3R3  
LATULA: oh fuck >8[

> Dirk: Attempt the rare and highly dangerous 3X DATE COMBO with the fish asshole.

DIRK: Hey there. Fancy running into you guys.  
CRONUS: Vwell wvell vwvell  
LATULA: >8/  
MITUNA: DLFJ OH NO NO JNO NO NO NO NONONONON ON ON ON N  
DAVE: omfg  
CRONUS: Mind if vwe sit here?  
LATULA: y34h w3 k1nd4 do???  
CRONUS: Great. Ewveryone, this right here is...uh. Shit, vwhat wvas your name again?  
DIRK: You remember my name, mother fucker.  
DAVE: jfc

You attempt to think of a worse candidate for your alt-universe not-brother's date to have turned out to be. Besides that huge laser-breathed pimp of a space demon who was haunting your nightmares for a bit there, or maybe Karkat, you're not really coming up with anything. Mituna seems vexed by his very presence, and Cronus (for you can't very well avoid this introduction) starts the date by stealing Mituna's milkshake and hitting on everyone at the table in turn.

CRONUS: Shit, look at you, tiny pyrope. Youre pretty dang cute.  
CRONUS: In kind of a crazy pixie dream ghost girl kinda way? Almost as cute as latula, amirite bro??  
MITUNA: DON7 7UOCH M3  
CRONUS: see, im hoping that by disparagin your looks in a sorta roundabout manner  
ill make you feel wvorse about yourself and wvith your lowvered self-esteem youre more likely to appreciate any sorta positivwe attention i might be throwvin your wvay  
CRONUS: that wvas the technique there  
TEREZI: UGH

Dirk seems content to steal your fries and observe it all, and he doesn't even seem bothered when Cronus attempts to talk about how well-hung your cape looks. You didn't even know trolls could _make_ innuendo about shit being well-hung. You didn't even think it was in their lexicon, but this douche is reaching new heights with his douchery. Eventually, you manage to pull Dirk aside.

DAVE: what the fuck is your problem dude  
DIRK: Problem?  
DIRK: I told you'd we'd be stopping by, didn't I?  
DAVE: are you actually my brother or are you some sort of universe-eating demon dedicated to ruining everything you touch and turning it into some awkward xenosex fest  
DIRK: Depending on who you talk to, those things are one in the same.  
DAVE: do you realize how awful that guy is  
DAVE: have you not spent any time in his presence  
DAVE: or heard him talk  
DIRK: Oh, I'm perfectly aware.  
DIRK: He's loathsome. Probably even worse than you think he is.  
DAVE: so  
DIRK: So what?  
DAVE: so is there a fucking reason you brought him here and did the equivalent of taking a wet shit all over the moderately awkward but mostly ok date thing we had going on here??  
DIRK: Don't you think you're overrating the enjoyment attribute of your date here?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: idk i was sorta having a good time  
DAVE: dont tell her i said this but its kind of fun to see terezi getting thrown off her game a bit  
DAVE: i mean you shoulda seen her the first couple of times after i ran into you  
DAVE: she could be so fucking smug when i was pitching fits  
DAVE: of course that was before i realized you were the same old douchetastic game bro i know and hate/have started to feel some vague stirrings resembling kinship with  
DIRK: Hmm. Interesting. Are you trying to further a similar sort of relationship between her and her ancestor?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: idk  
DIRK: Or maybe you're hoping things'll take a more caliginous turn.  
DAVE: what with terezi and latula  
DAVE: no man thatd be weird  
DIRK: Why not? You're the one who said that the bizarre human anathema of incest has no place here.  
DAVE: wow this took a turn into weird shipping boulevard  
DAVE: while pulling an A+++ youee into the who gives a fuck cul de sac  
DAVE: you still havent answered my question  
DAVE: of what the fuck youre doing with that guy  
DAVE: i mean what are you doing spending all this time sleeping dont you have an actual game session to be in and like  
DAVE: actual friends who i havent really talked to but who i assume suck less than that guy  
DIRK: Of course. However, due to some deep soul-searching that the four of us did recently, we've come to the decision not to date within our friend pool anymore.  
DAVE: he dumped you huh  
DIRK: Actually, I dumped him. But it was a near-miss.  
DIRK: The point is, I'm rebounding, and pretty hard too.  
DAVE: dude you werent even dating that long  
DAVE: like two months  
DAVE: theres rebounding and then theres like  
DAVE: idk  
DAVE: launching yourself bodily into the stratosphere with a fishy douche duct taped around your body  
DIRK: Well, whatever.  
DIRK: He gives great head, and he doesn't put out unless I treat him like a human being first.  
DAVE: you mean a troll  
DIRK: No, I mean a human being.  
DAVE: god this is so horrible in every possible way  
CRONUS: hey wvhat are you guys doin ovwer there  
CRONUS: havwin some sorta cool human kid powvwvovwvw  
DIRK: That's probably it.  
CRONUS: ahahaha yeah i get it  
CRONUS: you should come on back over here though  
CRONUS: so i dont gotta talk to captain mental handicap ovwer here forevwer  
CRONUS: so davwe  
DAVE: no  
CRONUS: i got a question for you that im told humans get to ask sometimes  
CRONUS: are you a natural blonde  
DAVE: oh god  
CRONUS: and  
CRONUS: does the carpet match the drapes?  
MITUNA: WH47 4R3 DR4P37H  
CRONUS: shut up, dawve and i are tryin to havwe a convwersation here  
DAVE: theyre human window sheets  
DAVE: like what you use to keep the blistering alternian sun from bleaching the furniture  
DAVE: or beforan whatever  
DAVE: in this case fishface here is using them as a distasteful euphemism for certain parts of human anatomy n shit  
MITUNA: 0H0 K  
MITUNA: WH3R3 D1D TUL37H 4ND M1N1TUL35 G0  
CRONUS: vwould you try an talk properly? none of us can understand you.  
DAVE: minitules  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: yeah i dunno where they went  
DAVE: maybe to throw themselves at the mercy of the horrorterrors to get out of this awkward fucking date  
DAVE: maybe an awesome rivalry has brewed between them and they decided to blow this awful dream place and be hatesprits  
DAVE: that would just make my fucking day  
DAVE: this is the worst date ever  
DAVE: whose idea even was this  
MITUNA: 1 7H0UGH7 17 W45 YU0R7H  
DAVE: wait what  
DAVE: i thought it was your guys idea  
MITUNA: FUCK N0  
DAVE: wait so  
DAVE: who even planned this

Suddenly, it hits you, and you can't believe you didn't realize it before.

DIRK: Why are you looking at me?  
DAVE: goddammit  
DAVE: this was a set up wasnt it  
DIRK: How do you figure that?  
DAVE: you planted the idea of this dumb fucking double date in all our heads by using some sort of ghost dream bubble asshole magic  
DAVE: so you would have a place to bring your horrible boyfriend before you got him to put out for you  
DAVE: which i dont even fucking understand btw because whatever this guy is putting out no one in their right fucking mind could possibly want  
CRONUS: hey nowv. thats some pretty strong language there.  
CRONUS: im kinda getting intrigued by vwhat you said before about hatesprits.  
DAVE: goddammit im leaving  
DAVE: come on dude  
MITUNA: WH44444G  
MITUNA: BU7 WH3R3 4R3 W3 G01NG  
DAVE: man who cares  
DAVE: anywhere thats not fucking here sounds pretty good to me doesnt it  
MITUNA: 1 GU355?  
DAVE: later dirk  
DAVE: i hope you have a horrible time and i hope he bites your dick off  
DIRK: Thanks, dude.

> Dirk: Cut to the fucking chase.

DIRK: Well, you certainly cleared that room in record time.  
CRONUS: aw vwhatevwer. probably it wvas your irritating an aloof presence that drove evweryone awvay like fuckin clockvwork.  
DIRK: Sure.  
DIRK: So.  
DIRK: Bathroom?

You then proceed to do it with the fish asshole in the ablutionblock. It's about as horrible and as painful as both of you deserve, and you wake up from sleeping the sleep of depressed men and get into an argument with Roxy about whether or not it's possible to get STDs from dream ghosts from another species.

THE FUCKING END


End file.
